The Old Me & Doldrums of the Red Plague from this Freakish Wife

It happens every month- the dreaded red plague. I haven't had it for a year and a half (well not counting the WHOLE month postpartum) but now that Slade is nursing much less IT has returned. It was almost tempting to nurse him through elementary school just to avoid it coming back b/c as you may have surmised about me by now- I can get 'passionate' about some things. But man oh man, come that week before the plague hits I'm in the doldrums - so it would almost be worth being one of those women whose kids come up and ask them for a good nursing in complete sentences when they can physically go pour themselves a glass of milk from the fridge. For those of you who may not have ever seen or read the Phantom Tollbooth to recognize what the 'doldrums' is- it is one of those classic kids movies/books that is really and truly enjoyed most by free thinking and open minded adults - though it's also pretty weird. Since I don't want to do a review of this clever book/movie here I am listing a link where you can go to read about some of the interesting features of the movie - specifically the doldrums: http://www.lpl.arizona.edu/~bcohen/phantom_tollbooth/excerpts.html#leth More to come of that after a little explanation here.
Slade has been sick with a cold this week (poor kid got a double dose of Maya last week- who was sick with a cold herself- when he stuck his finger in her mouth (she is a biter through and through) at the ball game - but he was asking for it on both accounts.) Mark saw it in action and said, "Uh, babe, you may want to help your son out" (I as closer here). I look over in time to witness the debacle - much like that popular youtube video of Charlie and his older brother's finger (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM) - I see Slade in slow motion stick his finger in Maya's mouth and his face changed from amusement to horror as the pain set in. By the time I made a move to retrieve it, she'd chomped down - HARD. Upon removal of his black and blue tooth-marked finger, Slade burst into tears and squealed in his very high-pitched infantile cry for a good 10 minutes and the night was pretty much a bust between the pair thereafter.
Anywho- so Slade has been a fairly unpleasant character as of late (due to his cold, not the finger)- fussing to be held then when you try to cuddle and comfort him he fusses to be let down. Upon being put down the cycle begins again and he seems personally afronted that you put him down in the first place in his delicate condition. (When Slade gets sick and requires such babying care he reminds me of his father the most- because let's face it- he resembles NOTHING of his father otherwise - Mark is a big boob when he's sick. Once I made him an on-demand chocolate-peanut butter shake and he turned up his nose at it b/c it had too much peanut butter. I always wonder how such a manly man that he is (and he totally is - the man can do anything!) can be brought down to such a lowly character position when he is afflicted with even minor ailments - my mom assures me that is just how men are though. I digress...).
Slade's ailment and fussiness have come at a poor time for the both of us, however, because I am also at a personal low. I was doing GREAT during the time of no red plague...never a tear shed, temper tantrums were easily restrained internally (let's face it, once you pass 20, ok maybe 25, the outward temper tantrums need to be out the door!), or doldrums were rarely experienced. Since the red plague struck a month ago and is now facing me again I have opened Pandora's box once again. I see through a haze of constant negativity and irritation interspersed with severe feelings of inadequacy, guilt, remorse, shame, and the like - and are we really suprised I experienced post partum depression (I've just got really hormonal genes)? This, of course, causes distress to Mark (who is ever the optimist and sees life as very pointless and wasted to be anything other...sigh) who either tries to ignore my irksome mood or get me to get it out of my system quickly. I try not to let it affect my relationship and treatment of Slade (he shouldn't have to deal with such advanced adult inadequacies yet) so I save it for Mark when he gets home from his always LONG days at work - lucky feller huh? I skulk about and sigh and feel sorry for myself then repeat. Thus I am experiencing the doldrums - and strangely enough I must cycle them through to get over them though I often think I should be able to talk myself out of them since I am aware of them...?

Anyhow- I chanced to talk to several of my East Coast best buds this past weekend (when the minutes were free) much to the dismay of Mark b/c that's also the only time we really get to have couple time anymore that isn't tainted with exhaustion. I spent hours on the phone with them catching up and just enjoying myself... I love my Southern friends- never a dull moment with these characters and I never worry about the goofy and off the wall things we say and share with one another! I realized how much I missed the East Coast 'me' sometimes and wondered why...

To share a quick story to help illustrate the forthcoming point relating to the doldrums as well as the East Coast me, one day while Mark and I were visiting back home in NC for one of my best friends weddings we were touring the land. We got lost (b/c apparently after 5 years of absence my brain replaces 10-year lived images of my youth with the new stuff b/c there's just not enough room for both??) - and after driving around lost and wasting precious time I tell Mark we just need to pull over and ask someone for directions. In the South (where I was born and raised after my dad retired from the military), when you ask someone for directions you get a friendly greeting followed by the directions then conversation about anything and everything about you - because they're really interested and you both just made a new friend. Out here in Utah (where Mark was born and raised) if you stop and ask directions you generally get a look of irriation followed by quick crappy directions that are not going to be repeated again so you'd better get it right the first time and don't even think of making personal conversation - no one wants to know about you and they've already got too many friends so dont' bother.
Mark: "We're not going to pull over and ask for directions, we'll just keep looking."
I spot a guy walking down the side of the street and say, "Pull over and I'll ask him."
Mark: "We're not going to ask some random person where this place is, it's rude."
Me: "Are you kidding me?!?"
Mark: "You don't just ask random strangers for directions."
Me: "Are you seriously kidding me - pull over we're in the South - I know how to talk to my people."
It was at that moment that we found the place we were looking for by chance so no conversing with strangers was necessary much to Mark's delight but that is a phrase that will live in infamy in our relationship with one another - "I know how to talk to my people." At the time we were both highly irriated at one another (and we weren't even married yet!) so the conversation was a bit much to be seen as comical at the time. But now years later Mark will bring it up at 'appropriate' moments and laugh. Granted Mark is one of those who prefer to rely solely on themselves for everything- a very laudable characteristic - so he views asking for help as weak in a sense.
Mark always jokes with me when I reminisce about the good ole South- "Chocolate and money fall from the heavens and God's greatest creatures inhabit the hills" or something like that. Our ideals of beauty, interesting culture, and fun are obviously very different.

I guess what I just miss is the beauty and the people. For whatever reasons it's just a more relaxed environment and the people are laid back and have got some serious character- easy pleasey, hard to offend, quick to share and enjoy...ahh the South.

One is probably asking themselves right about now, "Well, geez if this girl doesn't like it here so much then why doesn't she move back, or why did she come here in the first place?" It's because there are ZERO guys in the South that are members, or the guys who are members are like your brothers b/c you've spent every single activity in their company and it just seemed wrong. So I came here and found a wonderful guy who is from here and works here...so I'm here...and now so are both of our families. Don't think I'm not trying to convince him to go elsewhere- I love travelling, seeing sights, and learning new cultures - plus there are not nearly as many opportunities for some good missionary service here so sometimes I feel like we're almost wasting our time here.

I just really miss not having to worry so much that something I am going to do or say in a moment of idiocy or just innocent frivolity is going to offend many. I used to cut loose and laugh and have fun with my ladies back home - but here in utah I've had to learn (and am in a constant state of still learning) how to board up areas of my personality that are not necessarily welcome here in UT in order to function moderately well with others (at church mostly b/c I dont interact much with others past that since I'm a stay-at-homer now). It's moreso for my more normal husband than anything else. Just the other day he lovingly referred to me as his 'freakish wife'. I was slightly concerned at this very descriptive yet ambiguous term but he assured me that though I have some 'freakish' qualities he will love me for all time and eternity...phew. Yes, he's a very romantic man.

Actually, at this point I'll be you're wondering how in the world Mark and I even got together with him being so normal it's to the point of holding back too much and me on the opposite end of the spectrum? Well, wonder no longer- Mark likes to live in color as do I. Some things people may never get to know about him unless you're close to him are that he's an incredibly talented musician (acoustic and electric guitars as well as harmonica!), yummy singer, and incredibly intuitive songwriter. He's also a man of extreme ethical ability & character, political angst, engineering genius, serious scouting flavor, and is the hardest working man I've ever met. He bought incredible red couches for goodness sakes- what guy does that? I've never met a guy like Mark- he has his faults, but man is he the coolest husband! His sense of humor is something else you'll never catch unless you're around him- he is so cleverly funny. He doesn't talk uselessly as he feels many do (myself definitely included)- but he NEVER misses an opportunity to make the kind of funny statement that is too clever to be able to repeat back to people. He's got that 'You-had-to-be-there kind of humor. So though he maintains a very normal personality- he too is slightly 'freakish' himself- in an amazing way though- he's perfect for me.

I just thrive on true inward & outward pleasure, having an honest to goodness good time, and the diversity of personalities. I love clever humor and red couches.

Not much of a summation here- not that the rest of it is in any kind of format though - here is a little convo. from the Phantom Tollbooth to help you understand, not that you'd really care to, how I feel during this doldrum period of my red plague from this freakish wife...or for your reading pleasure solely:

"Well, if you can't laugh or think, what can you do?" asked Milo.
"Anything as long as it's nothing, and everything as long as it isn't anything," explained another. "There's lots to do; we have a very busy schedule-
"At 8 o'clock we get up, and then we spend
"From 8 to 9 daydreaming.
"From 9 to 9:30 we take our early midmorning nap.
"From 9:30 to 10:30 we dawdle and delay.
"From 10:30 to 11:30 we take our late early morning nap.
"From ll:00 to 12:00 we bide our time and then eat lunch.
"From l:00 to 2:00 we linger and loiter.
"From 2:00 to 2:30 we take our early afternoon nap.
"From 2:30 to 3:30 we put off for tomorrow what we could have done today.
"From 3:30 to 4:00 we take our early late afternoon nap.
"From 4:00 to 5:00 we loaf and lounge until dinner.
"From 6:00 to 7:00 we dillydally.
"From 7:00 to 8:00 we take our early evening nap, and then for an hour before we go to bed at 9:00 we waste time.
"As you can see, that leaves almost no time for brooding, lagging, plodding, or procrastinating, and if we stopped to think or laugh, we'd never get nothing done."
"You mean you'd never get anything done," corrected Milo.
"We don't want to get anything done," snapped another angrily; "we want to get nothing done, and we can do that without your help."
"You see," continued another in a more conciliatory tone, "it's really quite strenuous doing nothing all day, so once a week we take a holiday and go nowhere, which was just where we were going when you came along. Would you care to join us?"
"I might as well," thought Milo; "that's where I seem to be going anyway."